Thursday, January 27, 2011

Baby Fever

Last week I had my yearly appointment. I don't know if it was because the last time I was in that place I had just spent my entire 9 months there and had a fresh brand new baby with me, but oh my goodness there are a lot of pregnant women there. Before you all go, well DUH!, let me tell you I never noticed before. Never.

I think I am way more in tune to that place now. As I sat waiting for my doctor in the room I could hear a couple next to me getting a sonogram. And then they hooked up another women for a non stress test down another door. I spent many hours in that tiny little room. I knew where she was and what was going on with out seeing her. And I spent the rest of my appointment listening to her little babies heart beat.

If that place doesn't give you baby fever, then I don't know what will. But, I am in no way ready to have another one right now. Do I want to have another one. Of course. Just not now. Belle is a handful right now. She is in her drama queen/diva stage where if you don't stop what you are doing that second to pay attention to her, she throws herself on the floor and cries. And not little fake cries. Oh no, the full on screaming and gasping for air, with the silent scream mixed in. All while she has tears streaming down her face. Apparently we do not give her enough attention.

Also, I had a rough pregnancy. I was pulled out of work and put on moderate bedrest at 13 weeks that lasted until I had her. I was sick the entire pregnancy. So sick that I lost weight, not gained it. So sick that I couldn't eat. So sick that I couldn't get out of bed for 7 months. I hated pregnancy and the whole time swore I would never ever do it again.

I haven't forgotten those horrible months. I dread for that time to come back. I panic thinking about it. How could I do that again? How could I live through all of that with a very active toddler? How could I be a good mother to Belle when I just want to stay in bed and not move for 9 months? How could I continue working though that? We can not afford me being out of work for that long again.

But then I have moments where I convince myself that next time will be different. I won't be sick at all. I would get the pregnancy that I wanted. To have a beautiful bump to show off. To glow. To wear cute maternity clothes.

One thing is for sure, I nested like crazy near the end of my pregnancy. I cleaned out Belles room. I gave away 5 bags of clothing that was in her closet. Threw out bags upon bags of junk. I did laundry every day. I knew it was bad when I walked around my living room with a wet rag washing the walls.

For now, I am happy with our little family of three. And when the time is right, which is not now. Then we will add to our family. But for now, it's the three of us. And were happy just us. I mean come on, Belle is so spoiled its crazy!

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