For You Dad

Growing up my parents were members to a local car club. Ok, not just members, the car club was a good portion of my dad’s life. My dad bought his “baby” when I was one and shortly after joined the club. My brother and I grew up in this club. We worked the club’s events in the summer and on Sunday’s we went to car shows. Well into our adult life’s it was still expected of us to work the car show even though we were not actual members. It was just a matter of time before my brother and I were made members just a few years ago.

Yesterday was our annual car show. It was a bitter sweet show for all of this. This year it was in remembrance of my father who for the better part of his club career was the club president. And the be very honest, he made the club what it is today. For the last few years we have been trying to rebuild our show, trying to break 300 cars. This year we did that. We had a beautiful day, sunny high 80’s, and we had one of our largest shows ever. I wish my dad could have seen it. He would have loved it.

This past week I began to dread this day. It hit me that I hadn’t fully realized how hard this day was going to be, and how much I really miss my dad. After a club meeting I asked The Hubs to take a ride to the cemetery where I completely broke down. It still doesn’t feel real that he is gone. It doesn’t feel like he should be gone. It hits me all to often that he really is gone and we won’t see his smiling face riding around the grounds of the show in the golf cart. He won’t be at the family picnic this year telling stories and drinking his jack and coke.

This month was 6 months that he has been gone and it kills me every day that he is no longer here. It kills me every day that my daughter won’t know this amazing man. We show her pictures all the time and she can show you who grandpa is, but she will never know him or remember him.

This year it was decided that our club would give out an award in memory of my father. My mom and brother walked the show yesterday and my mom picked out the car. She decided on a car that was just like the first car they had owned before they were even married. The car that got them interested in cars and basically started what was the rest of my father’s life. My mom picked a baby blue Thunderbird. Honestly the best car for this award.

And to The Hubs who made an amazing tribute song to my father, who would have loved it, you didn’t leave a dry eye any time you played it. My father would have truly been so proud of you. You did an absolutely amazing job yesterday. And thank you, for someone who had no interest in cars when we met, you are now a member of the car club and work the events and have great ideas, and may even hold an office come the end of this year. You are an amazing man.

This one was for you dad and I hope we did you proud yesterday!

Detour

My family tried to take some type of vacation each year. One year when I was in middle school my dad decided he wanted to go to Cedar Point again. My brother and I were so excited. We loved roller coasters and rides so this was going to be a great trip. Plus I hadn’t been since I was four. We only lived three hours from Cedar Point so we drove there.

The trip was great and my brother and I had a blast on the roller coasters. When we finished with Cedar Point we moved on to Sea World. I was so excited to be going to Sea World.

At the very end of our trip my parents decided to do a day at Rock and Roll Hall of Fame before coming home. We were to stay in Cleveland over night and the next morning we were headed to the Hall of Fame. Now, road trips with my dad were not fun. He complained in every state we drove in that either they don't know how to use traffic signs or the people in that state do not know how to drive.

We were driving on the thruway cutting through downtown Cleveland when my dad missed the exit. We were at the end of the trip and my dad had enough with the driving. My brother and I sat in the back seat and just looked at each other. My dad was yelling at my mom, my mom was yelling back at him. And then that was it. My dad kept driving. I kept looking at the exits as they came up, he has to turn around right? Nope. My dad drove the three hours back home.

My grandparents had a permanent campsite about an hour from where we lived, it was just past midnight and we were all exhausted. We weren't supposed to be in the car that long. My parents decided while my brother and I slept to stop at the campsite and we will stay there over night. I woke up while we were pulling into the campground. My heart raced I was so excited. We weren't going home and we were at the next best place. We quietly got out of the car when my parents noticed a truck next to the camper. It was my grandfather’s truck.

My parent's discussed what they were going to do while my mom dug for the camper’s key in her purse. With no luck in finding it, my father loaded us back into the car and we continued the hour drive home. At the time my heart was broken. I wanted to go to the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame and I wanted to stay at the camp ground.

I have been to the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame a few times now, and I have been to the camp site more times than I can count. I didn't miss out on anything like I thought I had back then. Instead I have a story that we tell over and over again. The time my father missed the exit so he drove three hours home.

I wrote this piece for Red Writing Hood. The prompt was to write about a time you took a detour and the adventure and fun you had because of it.

It's Not Fair

I scheduled this post for today earlier this week. Before yesterday morning. My father lost his battle with cancer yesterday morning. But I still wanted this post to go up. It's what I was feeling this whole week. And a lot of it I still feel deep in my heart. With that said I will not be around this weekend into Monday. I am sure I will be around near the end of the week with a better post about everything going on.

It's funny that I am a 26 year old grown women. I am a mother to an active little 15 month old, and wife to a wonderful husband. And here I am complaining about how life is unfair. It's unfair that my father is losing his battle with cancer. It is unfair that at 26 I am going to lose my father. It is unfair that my child will grow up not knowing her grandfather. She will not remember him and sadly I don't have many pictures of them together and it KILLS me.

The day after Christmas we had my father sent to the hospital. He had no strength left and it was suggested that he should be there. Luckily they sent him home on Tuesday but he is refined to a hospital bed in my parents living room. He is fading fast and honestly at this point, it is just a matter of time.

This isn't how it was suppose to be. My parents, both of them were suppose to live until they were old and wrinkly. They were suppose to both have great grandchildren. My daughter and my nephew are suppose to have their grandfather. To have the same memories that my brother and I have from when we were kids. I am so angry right now. I am angry at the doctors for not being able to save him. I am mad that there is no cure. I am mad that because of other medical conditions he could not be in trials that could have saved his life. I am mad at God. I am mad at him for creating such a horrible disease. For making him suffer through this and be in constant pain. For making all of us watch him suffer from this awful disease that should not exist. It's not fair. It simply is not fair that I am going to lose my father. A man that should have lived a long healthy, happy life. I am not ready to lose him. I am not ready to face life without him.

It's not fair.

My Father.

This is the hardest post I have ever written. It has taken me close to a month to write and I still can not find words for it. A few weeks ago we found out that my father is officially out of options. It was difficult to hear and I think it took me a week or longer to actually believe it. I wasn't giving up hope. He could go some where else. There are always options.

But no, there are not. He has been stage 4 since the summer and once you hit that point most hospitals won't take you for trials. We all met with Hospice at the beginning of November. We learned about what they offer and what they can do for my father and what his wishes are.

I want to live in the moment right now and spend as much time as I can with him. To enjoy the holidays with him. I want Belle to know him. She is only one but I want to have many memories of them to share with her when she is older. I want to tell her memories and stories of her grandfather. To have pictures to show her. In a couple of Sunday's the whole family is getting together and we are having family portraits done. To have pictures of all of us with my father. To have pictures of the grandkids with their grandfather.

I want to be mad. I want to cry. But when this is the fourth time you have watched Cancer take someone you love from you, you feel empty. You feel defeated. You feel like you can not win. Why does Cancer have to take the good people? The people that have big hearts and are caring. People that do so much for the community and charities? It's not fair who cancer chooses. I am numb. I am numb to all of this and I think that is why as I sit her trying to poor my heart out, I have nothing. I am empty and numb.

Life is too short. Live for every moment. Take in every moment. Make memories. Love your loved ones more then you can ever imagine. Hold your loved ones close and thank God for them and your health.