This is the hardest post I have ever written. It has taken me close to a month to write and I still can not find words for it. A few weeks ago we found out that my father is officially out of options. It was difficult to hear and I think it took me a week or longer to actually believe it. I wasn't giving up hope. He could go some where else. There are always options.
But no, there are not. He has been stage 4 since the summer and once you hit that point most hospitals won't take you for trials. We all met with Hospice at the beginning of November. We learned about what they offer and what they can do for my father and what his wishes are.
I want to live in the moment right now and spend as much time as I can with him. To enjoy the holidays with him. I want Belle to know him. She is only one but I want to have many memories of them to share with her when she is older. I want to tell her memories and stories of her grandfather. To have pictures to show her. In a couple of Sunday's the whole family is getting together and we are having family portraits done. To have pictures of all of us with my father. To have pictures of the grandkids with their grandfather.
I want to be mad. I want to cry. But when this is the fourth time you have watched Cancer take someone you love from you, you feel empty. You feel defeated. You feel like you can not win. Why does Cancer have to take the good people? The people that have big hearts and are caring. People that do so much for the community and charities? It's not fair who cancer chooses. I am numb. I am numb to all of this and I think that is why as I sit her trying to poor my heart out, I have nothing. I am empty and numb.
Life is too short. Live for every moment. Take in every moment. Make memories. Love your loved ones more then you can ever imagine. Hold your loved ones close and thank God for them and your health.